The Accidental Tourist

I got woken up by a phone call at 7.30am this morning. I couldn’t make out what the lady was saying. When she started crying, I realised that it was Aishah and she was trying to tell me that “Grandma” has passed away. In my morning stupor, I told her to take care of herself and I’m sorry about Grandma’s passing

I laid in bed trying to process what just happened. Mdm Mariam has passed away. I just visited her a couple of weeks ago. Strangely, i flipped through my mental album of her. There were very rare occasions when she looked happy.  You can’t blame her. She was in pain and hanging in there for her family. There was always a sense of woefulness surrounding her.  She was a strong-willed arab. Walked out of a bad marriage. Raised her daughter single handed after her second husband died in a war. I didn’t think she will be one to shy away from a fight either. I liked her feisty spirit. I was amused when she told me that she used to be in a secret society. She did what she did to survive.

The day passed but I felt like I was trapped in a different time zone. Going through motion. Dealing with death still doesn’t come easy for me. It hits you like a curve ball when you lest expects it. I know she’s in a better place and that’s all that matters.

Dear Me,

Before the vacation euphoria fades off, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you had a good break. It’s been a non stop year with the Life Before Death project, new clients and that first solo show you were so nervous about.

I’m glad that you took Mum along. Even though she’s a polar bear who turns off the heat when it’s 7 degrees outside, she’s still one cool mum roughing it out with you backpacking in Japan. I’m not sure it makes up for all the time that you were away and not being there for her but it’s a start.

Thank god that you didn’t bring your DSLR or obsessed about the best angle for your picture or try to build your portfolio on this trip. Wasn’t it nice to play tourist for a change? To sit and observe. To talk to the person right next to you.

So here’s my proposition for the remaining of 2009. Read more or at least , try to finish up the books that are on the shelves. Listen to the music that you used to love. Watch a few more movies. Stop obsessing about photography. Get inspired somewhere else.

Love,

Me

10 years ago, clients would tell me to take only bluebird taxis when I’m in Jakarta. 10 years later, client still tells me to “walk pass all the other taxi drivers and look for the guy in a white shirt/blue vest and the logo that looks like a phoenix. ”

The first visit to Jakarta was with Mum and brother. All i remembered of that trip was the river was polluted, squatters living their lives next to it and of course, my brother and I puking our guts out in the hotel room ‘coz of food poisoning.

In my first job, ex company sent me to Jakarta during the riots (or rather, despite the riots) to do training session for clients. It was scary for the fresh graduate out of school traveling alone and looking at all the trucks with protesters driving by. It didn’t help to find out there was a protest on the airport highway the night before but the protesters had dispersed due to rain.
Forward to present day, I’m still none the wiser . Walking out of the airport, i totally missed the guy in the white shirt and the blue vest. Yeah, i felt pretty stupid walking up and down looking for the “Bluebird”. Jakarta doesn’t seem to be what i remembered it to be. Building looks bigger and expensive. Malls are filled with the latest IT gadgets. Hey, the telcoms were having an Iphone event today and the best part is, you don’t have to queue to get one. The shops are filled with factory outlets. How about a burberry polo tee for $20?

No shopping for me since it’s only day 1. So i’m off looking for bluebird taxis while i’m in jakarta and pretending to look like i understand bahasa indonesian.

….or so they say. 

I’ve been feeling pretty lousy for the past 2 weeks. Mr Phua passed away 2 weeks ago. It was a shock to me ‘coz i had just visited him a week before he passed. It’s a constant reminder that life is unpredictable.  He was a great man. Always thinking of others even though he was bed ridden and had great difficulties communicating. 

Another hospice patient that I have been photographing went into a coma earlier this week. The family was planning to take him off life support as he has signed his AMD. I just got the SMS where the wake will be held.  It was hard for me to say good bye to him on Monday. I knew that it was going to be the final goodbye. But it was harder to see how sad his wife was and for her to deal with the pain of facing his death. She herself said it, ” I thought i was prepared for this moment but i’m not.” 

I’m sorry that I have to refer to him as “The Hospice Patient”  but the family has requested to stay anonymous. It sounds really cold and distant. Hence, I would refer to him as “The Awesome Dude”.  I’ve grown to really like the families that i have spent time with. It saddens me when i hear of their passing. Even though I’ve known them for a short 6 – 8 months but the intensity of the time that I spent with them makes me feel like I’ve known them for a longer time.  It doesn’t help that life goes on as normal for me.  Even though, friends have said that I need to emotionally detach myself, i think it’s only human nature to feel sad. 

It’s probably not my place to say this but when things quiet down and I had time to think about it, I’m reminded that “The Awesome Dude” was a really really lucky man.  His wife was one of the nicest  ladies i have ever met. Ever so warm and kind. Once they found out that he suffered from a similar form of Motor Neutron disease that Mr Phua was suffering from, they treasured all their previous moments together with their children. The wife told me that they talk to each other every night until they fall asleep. Sorry that I’m sounding preachy but how many of us actually treasure the time that we have? 

One of the things that Mrs Phua had taught me was to count my blessings. She was thankful that Mr Phua and her had 5 good years of retirement before he fell sick.  If she can count her blessings and see the lighter side of things, who am i to complain about the little inconveniences in life?

…if you don’t hear it, has it fallen?

….so i thought…wanted to print a picture of Mr and Mrs Ng Wai Mun and frame it up for them but I just found out that Mr Ng passed away this evening…I got caught up in work….lame excuse, I know.  

Mr Phua has motor neutron disease. The illness has left him immobile as he is slowly losing the use of his muscles. Mrs Phua is showing him pictures that I took. He is confined to his room except for the rare excursion to the hairdresser. I take comfort that my pictures are his windows to what’s happening on the outside…..just a thought….

it’s nice to have a day at home when you’re not rushing out for appointments. Ah….the simplicity  of a quiet day.

I turned off my facebook account last week. Was talking to a friend and both of us lamenting that conversations seemed to be more real and sincere back in the days when people were talking on the phone. At least, I knew a guy wasn’t talking to me and 10 other girls on their facebook account and on MSN at the same time. Even if he is, then I don’t think it’s worth wasting my time. 

The strange thing is within a span of less than a week,  I got what seemed to be a suicide note on my facebook (it turned out to be false alarm and I blame an early SMS on a subject’s passing that made my brain go haywire), some event invites, a few requests that I join my friends in conquering the world in some RPG , comments of disbelief that i would actually turn off the digital life and lastly, a termination note on friendship. Ok I was still lurking around facebook but i won’t be answering any comments. And hopefully, I’ll be weaned off facebook by the end of next week. Creative Spark sent me a link that marvels the wonders of the internet and how far we have come with the internet. To put it simply, we live our life on the net. The fact that I’m actually typing this out for the world wide web is pretty ironic and scary at the same time. Note: WORLD WIDE. Talk about pouring your heart out. 

I love and hate the web at the same time. I hate it that we are all hiding behind the screens. The scene from Wall-e scared the crap out of me. Being computer science trained, my first interaction with the internet ranks highly in life experiences. Maybe right next to discovering I could lie to my parents and get away with it when I was 4 years old. I love the information that is readily available. It’s a great marketing tool for photographers. Go to www.deannang.com.  News, old camera manuals, buying stuff from half way across the globe. You could even find the condensed version of the novel that has taken you ages to read. Or u could google on Ex-BFs and find out what they have been up to. It caters to the voyeuristic side of me.  Just in case, you’re an ex-BF reading this, Hello and I hope life has treated you well.

Having said all that, I think too much info is not necessarily a good thing. Friend, who has terminated our friendship until 2011, is going through a rough patch and would like to keep me and all the information that I carry with me out of his life for a while. I respect that and I really hope that you get through it. On the other hand, friends, who have come to see my point of view, have decided that yes, real life conversations might be the way to go. So we’ll be heading out for supper tonight to catch up and i shall try not to hide behind this screen anymore.

Meet Mr and Mrs Ng Wai Mun. You probably can’t tell from the picture but Mr Ng has nose cancer. When I first met him, he had tubes going down his nose as he can’t eat and has to go on a liquid diet. The tubes in his noses got choked up and the doctors changed it to a tube that’s going directly into his stomach. The two of them are also one of the sweetest couple that I have ever met. Even the cynic in me thought that “hey, true love is possible after all!”

I started shooting for the Lien Foundation’s Life before Death champaign about 4 months ago. Initially, I found it hard to talk to my friends about it. I was depressed. More so than the patients themselves. I couldn’t help but to think that the end road was death. In our society, it’s still taboo to talk about death and to talk about death seems inauspicious. Almost seems like I’m wishing the worst on the person. I’m not an emotional person. I don’t think I am. I didn’t cry at my own grandmother’s funeral when i was 16. I teared ‘coz I saw my dad crying and I felt sad for him. I still feel a pang of sadness when i open my dad’s wardrobe and see that he still has my grandmother’s pictures on his wardrobe door. When my own uncle passed away from throat cancer last year, I dreaded giving the news to my mum who was overseas. All i could think of was she will be sad and how do I break the news to her. In the end, my brother told her.  To put it simply, I fear death and I fear the sadness that surrounds it.

But something clicked tonight. A friend mentioned that thank god that I was back from India with the bombing happening in Mumbai. I reminded him that i was in Bangalore, not Mumbai, which was miles away. I don’t mean to sound unkind but I’ve always said that you can choke on tofu and die. I thought that at least the hospice patients have a chance to say good bye to their family. Initially, when we started on the champaign, I thought it was impossible to shoot happy pictures of the hospices patients. Looking back, I think my own depressing mood was affecting my pictures. After meeting more hospices patients,  I don’t know if it’s because I’ve grown accustomed to talking about death or the strength of the families who chosen  to celebrate what they have at the moment, but I’m not afraid of talking about it anymore. Or maybe I choose to look on the bright side now. Someone once said to me that the destination is not important, but the journey is. I guess the celebration of life as a journey makes the destination insignificant.