The Accidental Tourist

When not guzzling down alcohol by the glass, you could also drink it from the bag via an IV drip. Alcohol goes directly into blood stream. Woohoo!

Somewhere off the coast of Xiamen, there’s a little island called Gu Lang Yu. It’s one of the major attractions of Xiamen. On Gu Lang Yu, no vehicles are allowed. Only bicycles. Colonial style bungalows pepper the island. The French and American Embassies used to be on the little island. It’s also a hotspot for wedding pictures (think beach, couple sitting in a big heart marked out in the sand, sunset, crashing waves). You get the drift.

But the reality?

Gu Lang Yu. the shopper’s paradise. Tea, dried scallops, seacumbers at bargain prices and of course a Macdonalds. Can’t get around because there are no cars? No problem! Pay RMB$50 for a ride in a buggy around the island.

Or you could even rent a bungalow for a month or two!

1) Gather all your family members at least 30 mins before dinner. Important to get out of the door and get to the venue early.

2) Before arriving at destination, discuss in the car who’s having what for dinner. Example, Who’s going to queue for the char siew noodles and who’s going to have beef kuey tiow. Take orders and appoint the queue person.

3) When arriving at destination, let everyone out of the car first so that someone can be queuing for food and someone get a table while you circle around for a parking lot.

4) After you park the car, walk smugly to the Hawker Center and show your disapproval for people who had just arrived at the dinner hour and can’t find a parking lot.

5) Get into the queue the minute you get there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

6) “2-man-system”. 2 persons of the group will be incharge of getting a table and getting food that do not require queuing. One person get food, one person guard table.

7) Queues could take 30 to 40 minutes depending of popularity and speed of food preparation. To prevent fainting or boredom, 2-man-system is also required to relieve the queuers at intervals.
Once all food is gathered at table. Start eating.

9) Table Hawks. People who circle around your table because they can’t find a table. If they are nice and look apolgetic for staring at you while you’re trying to finish up, eat faster. If they are black-faced meanies and breathing down your necks while you eat, go back to the noodle stall and ask for more soup and take your time to SIP the soup.

10) Upon completion of mission, rub tummies and proclaim that you’re stuffed. Leave.

Time taken to gather all food :1 hour and 10 mins
Time taken to eat: 20 mins.

To get to the Bridal Suite! Hur hur hur….

The next day, the bride returns to her home to visit her parents. In the evening, the bride’s family host a dinner for their new son-in-law. Well, my brother had an entourage of 6 burly men to help him drink. We had expected 7 drunks and 1 bride to come home that night. (Notice that it’s odd number go, even number come back??) But instead, we got an addition of 2 chickens!

When the bride returns to the new family after visiting her own, that her mother will give her 2 chickens and some sugar canes to bring along. We were expected to unleash the chickens in the bridal suite and wait to see if the Rooster or the Hen comes out of the room first. If a Rooster comes out, the couple will have a son. If the Hen ran out, a daughter. What we didn’t expect was that the chickens pooed in the bedroom and they did not run out. Fear not for the procreation of my future nieces and nephews, this is a good sign. This means the couple will be rich.

Remember there is a pig’s heart somewhere in this series of story? Ya, we ate it that night. Cooked, of course. It’s to signify that as a family, we beat as one heart. The end.

They really do. And here’s why.

Free flow of ciggies, beer, wine and hard liquor! Woohoo! By hard liquor , i meant Wu Liang Yi that has a alcohol content of 52%. Cousin calls it “Battery Water”.

When you’re entering the hall, ushers will push, and i mean, push ciggies to you. There’s this whole charade of “please, please take the ciggies” and the the other party will say “No, no, I quit already”. Out of courtesy, all the men lit up. Even if you don’t smoke, you’re expected to hold a lit ciggie and pretend to puff away.

Everyone is out to have a good time.

Drinking games where both parties have to shout the number of fingers shown. The loser has to drink up and by drinking up, it’s not a sip of red wine but the whole glass.

If you’re not blessed with a system that can tolerate alcohol, you can always get someone to drink for you when you lose. Here’s a fine example. My uncle from China who has a bottomless pit for alcohol. The man was guzzling down Wu Liang Yi and red wine and still was able to walk in a straight line at the end of the evening.

Call-the-dice games. Again, loser drinks.

By the end of the evening, the restaurant was filled with this haze from the ciggies.

The best part?

How kickass is the centrepiece for the VIP table??! Hur hur hur….

The Big Day has arrived. The day which my younger brother becomes an adult in the eyes’ of our parents. The day he sets up his own family. The day my parents can strike him off from their list of inventory finally say that one of their children is marriable after all! Hooray to Mankind!

The morning started off as a blur. The night before the whole family had headed out to a foot spa for a night of foot massage. Some bachelor’s party eh? hiak hiak hiak…..

Anyways, the bridal car was sent out for decorations.

How come no car plate number?? How to buy 4d like that?

The groom gets ready by putting on the jewellery that his mother-in-law gave him. This is something that’s not practised in Singapore. Apparently, the bride and the groom have matching gold rings and necklaces from the bride’s mum.

The bridal bouquet. You only get roses and lilies. For auspicious reasons again. Bai Nian Hao He means marital bliss for a hundred years or something. No such nonsense as getting orchids or tulips hor.

While the groom went out to get the bride, the rest of us set off on our tasks. Cousin, his wife and I had to go out to get food. The rest of the family had to hide in the room because they can’t see the bride when she arrives. From what I heard, the bride was bawling her eyeballs out as she left her home. It was supposed to be good for the family if the bride cries.

Well, the bride has offically entered the family. Notice how much jewellery my sister-in-law is wearing??? It’s all PURE GOLD. I tell you it’s madness. I was kidding with her and my brother that we should bring out the kitchen scale to weigh how much gold there is on her.

The usual boring stuff happened in the afternoon. Tea Ceremony. Well wishes that they will have lots of children soon. Buffet Lunch for friends and family. Then this happened.

We treated the bride’s page boys to eggs and dates in syrup. Remember the golden rule: EVEN NUMBERS ONLY. See how ernest the little boy is eating the eggs??? This is a precision sport i tell ya.

Before we get to the big day itself, someone’s expected to have a romp roll in the new bed. Not the groom. The unfortunate groom had to sleep on the floor that night as he’s not supposed to sleep on the bridal bed until the actual day.

A young boy, preferably, bornt in the year of the dragon was invited to roll around the bridal bed. Chinese believes that this will ensure that the newly weds get a son the following year.

This kid took his job very seriously and made sure that he rolled over EVERY inch of the bed.

So the night before the big day, Mr Wedding Planner comes to set up the altar.

Prayers to the Ti Gong (Sky God?) and Ancestors must be made at the break of dawn. Exact instructions were made that 2 sets of incense must be burnt. After the first set, offerings must be burnt to the Gods before the second set of incense is burnt.

Much attention was made to the offerings at the alter. Every offer had a piece of red tape attached to it for auspicious reasons.

Then, this happened.

What the f*** is that?! Apparently, a pig, a fish and a chicken. For simplicity reasons, Mr Wedding Planner said. How ironic!

You know you’re in for a kitschy moment when your family ask you to take pictures of the re-enactment of the Zheng Cheng Gong battle scene that plays to the tune to Huang Fei Hong. AHH!!! My eyes!!!

Note: For the equally ignorant like moi, Zheng Cheng Gong is a Chinese General who drove the Holland folks out from Taiwan.

Karma’s a bitch. I used to whine about friend’s weddings that had me going to their house at ungodly hours of 4 am and all the customs that we, as the bride’s entourage, had to follow. Well, those were just one day affairs. My brother’s wedding stretched over a week. Like I said, karma’s a bitch.

Here’s a Chinese Wedding 101. As a deposit gesture of sincerity, the groom has to present gifts to the bride’s family to prove how serious he is about marrying their daughter. It’s called “Guo Da Li”.

Gifts include cakes, noodles, soft drinks, cakes, incense and candles for ancestor worship, apples, MSG (not kidding), flowers, lotus seeds and half a pig with a heart (more on that) etc. The old gentlemen in the picture is the wedding planner! Or rather the guy who helps us prepares all these stuff and the baskets are on loan from his company!

With all the gifts loaded up in 3 pickups and 1 van, we headed over to the bride’s place.

Over at the bride’s place, while waiting for the bride’s family to decide what gifts they want to return to the groom’s, we were treated to eggs and dates in syrup. Now listen up, your life could depend on this if you decide to get married in China. There’s an art to eating this. You cannot eat all the eggs or leave the eggs in an odd number in the bowl. With 3 eggs left, you are expected to break the third egg into half so that it’s even. Even numbers always. Get it? Did i mention the entourage was even number too??

Next it was the bride’s turn to load up the pickups with her dowry such as daily necessitiies, bed sheets, lamps , and a BIG king size mattress. In some cases, the brides are expected to have washing machines, refridgerators , plasma TV and microwave ovens in their dowry.

Just before we set off, firecrackers are set off so that the neighbours would know that the entourage is setting off. Also we were advised to take a longer route home. Why? So that everyone is town can see how much dowry she has. Weddings in China are fun actually.